Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.

If money can't buy happiness,
I guess you'll just have to rent it.

Drive defensively, buy a tank.

I used to think I was indecisive,
but now I'm not too sure.

Famous last words:
Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

Famous last words:
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

Famous last words:
Don't worry, it's not loaded.

Everything I need to know I got from watching
Gilligan's Island.

It doesn't matter how hard you've studied;
the material won't be on the exam anyway.

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed
replacement anyway.

Reality is a figment of your imagination.

Life is just one of those things.

Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.

Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!

You know it's going to be a bad day when
you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

I can handle pain until it hurts.

It's not what you say in your argument,
it's how loud you say it.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

The ultimate reason is "because."

I'm objective; I object to everything.

You cannot achieve the impossible
without attempting the absurd.

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

You're not drunk if you can
lie on the floor without hanging on.

Abandon the search for Truth;
settle for a good fantasy.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??

If you can't learn to do it well,
learn to enjoy doing it badly.

I have always been crazy,
but it kept me from going insane.

Millions of years ago,
man climbed out of the slime.
You want to join the party?

Laws are like bones;
they're made to be broken.

It's only a game until you lose.

If God had intended man to watch TV,
he would have given him rabbit ears.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Fine day to work off excess energy,
steal something heavy.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Everything is unimportant in some way.

Life is a terminal disease.

Your lucky colour has faded.

Overdrawn? But I still have cheques left!

Yeah, there's a lot of stress here,
but I'm not straining.

The world's so terrible that one
can only make fun of it.

Love isn't love until you give it away.

Don't take me literally.

Nothing is ever 100%

I'd love to go out with you,
but I have to stay home and see if I snore.

I'd love to go out with you,
but it's my parakeet's bowling night.

I'd love to go out with you,
but I'm having all my plants neutered.

If you think this week was a drag,
wait till you see what happens next week!

If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.

It's not just reality that matters.

Pets aren't dangerous;
just don't let them carry guns.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

You can't dream too much;
you can't do enough to make
your dreams come true.

Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Avoid reality at all costs.

Take everything in stride.
Trample anyone who gets in your way.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

If everything is coming your way,
then you're in the wrong lane.

90% of everything is crud.

LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.

Earn cash in your spare time,
blackmail your friends.

Oh well, I guess this is just going
to be one of those lifetimes.

Don't believe everything you hear
or anything you say.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

If all else fails, throw up.

Do we know that life has a cause?

No one is perfect, but some of us
are closer than others.

Fun is just point of view.

If you understand something today,
it must be obsolete.

If ours is a man made world,
why can't we remake it?

My rules apply only to other people, not myself.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

It's only hopeless if you walk away.

Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.

Imagination is the foundation of reality.

Life is a glitch in the universal program;
death is just the programmer's way of debugging.

The real trick to carrying on is
not getting carried away.

Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Since when is talking a sign of thinking?

Why should I grow up? This is more fun!

I have crossed and recrossed the line
between sanity and madness so many times
that I have all but rubbed it out.

Reality is all a point of view. 

Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.

Change a life; make someone feel important.

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

It's all a pigment of your hallucination.

Your type doesn't stay around long enough
to stay your type.

Consider yourself hugged.

Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.

In theory, everything works.

Life is recursive.

The light at the end of the tunnel is
the headlight of the oncoming train.

Plagiarism is copying from one source;
research is copying from two or more.

Repetition is always better the second time.

Clever is getting out alive.

Around here, to be nuts is normal,
to be sane is stupid.

Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Life's a beach, and then you drown.

Don't worry about life;
you're not going to survive it, anyway.

Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday.
(Rule of Weekend Studying)

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

People who think they know what they're doing
are especially annoying to those of us who do.

Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.

Was today really necessary?

Life without bears would be unbearable.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.

I've no time to prepare a profound message.

Life is too important to be taken seriously.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core.
I like that in a person.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when
you haven't sent one out.

It's been Monday all week.

When all else fails, lower your standards.

I'm surrounded by idiots!

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Why be normal?

I don't know, I don't care,
and it doesn't make any difference.

Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.

If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.

I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.

I don't think I'd be so bored if
I didn't have so much to do.

It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.

No matter how bad a situation is,
if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep sh*t.

Never go into a hug off balance.

Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.

Cute and interesting are two different things.

If there were no such thing as bears,
what kind of hugs would we give?

Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.

It's your right to be stupid,
but it doesn't mean you should be.

Life's a trip and then
you run out of Travelers' Cheques.

If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?

IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.

I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.

If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.

A kibble is one thousand nibbles.

Reality is only fantasy gone stale.

Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!

If you can't go first class, charge it.

Reality is a nice place,
but I wouldn't want to live there.

Sarcasm helps keep you from
telling people what you really think of them.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was
an Escape key for all of our problems?

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.

I should have known better;
every happy moment in my life came from lying.

If you can't be weird, why be?

It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.

Gravity always gets me down.

I've given up trying to escape from reality;
they always find me anyway.

I'm serious; it was a joke.

If we're going to have fun,
we've got to be serious about it.

If I can't fix it, it ain't broken.

I'm not a psychiatrist;
I'm just an expert at being confused.

Now that I've finally got my act together,
I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it.

I cleaned up my act once,
but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.

This was only a test;
if this had been a real emergency,
you'd be dead.

I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person
hiding inside the body of a creep.

I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person
trapped in the body of a lunatic.

Being good at being stupid doesn't count.

Some have morals, some don't,
most simply ignore them.

You can't be late until you show up.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is;
it's always room temperature.

If we don't know it already,
chances are we're not interested in learning it.

You've gotta' die in creative ways.

They keep saying the right person will come along;
I think mine got hit by a truck.

Get out of my reality!

If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.

It's beautiful the way it is;
why spoil it by making it legal?

Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind;
it takes me as much as a week sometimes
to make it up.

I don't have any solution but I certainly
admire the problem.

Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.

Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.

Of course it's the murder weapon.
Who would frame someone with a fake?

When in doubt, use brute force.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Confidence is the feeling you have before
you understand the situation

All things are possible, except skiing
through a revolving door.

My opinions may have changed,
but not the fact that I am right.

Just because you're paranoid
doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.

Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.

Your lucky number is 32345543423225.
Watch for it everywhere.

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

When you do not know what you are doing,
do it neatly.

Don't tell me any big lies today.
Small ones can be just as effective.

Look out! Behind you!

Honesty is the best policy,
but insanity is a better defense.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

If you are feeling good, don't worry.
You'll get over it.

Never put off till tomorrow
what you can avoid all together.

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

A professor is one who talks in
someone else's sleep.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Death is God's way of telling you
not to be such a wise guy.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word,
but then I forgot it.

I haven't lost my mind --
it's backed up on tape somewhere.

The shortest distance between two points
is under construction.

There cannot be a crisis next week.
My schedule is already full.

Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

You know it's a bad day when
the sun comes up in the west.

You know it's a bad day when
the bird singing outside your window
is a buzzard.

You know it's a bad day when
you put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You know it's a bad day when
your pet rock snaps at you.

You know it's a bad day when
the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

You know it's a bad day when
your income tax refund cheque bounces.

You know it's a bad day when
you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You know it's a bad day when
Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Everything takes longer than you think.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious.

Mother Nature is a bitch.

Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

When things just can't get any worse, they will.

Anytime things appear to be going better,
you have overlooked something.

No matter what goes wrong,
it will probably look right.

Once a job is fouled up,
anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Always keep a record of data -
it indicates you've been working.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Experiments should be reproducible -
they should all fail in the same way.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

Anything that begins well, ends badly.
Anything that begins badly, ends worse.

Any given program, when running, it is obsolete.

You lick it, you own it! 

No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

What you don't do is always more
important than what you do do.

When it rains, it pours.

The course of progress:
Most things get steadily worse.

Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Things will get worse before they get better.

Who said things would get better?

Things get worse under pressure.

Nothing ever goes away.

You always find something in the last place you look.

You can't fall off the floor.

Anything can be made to work
if you fiddle with it long enough.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

Push something hard enough and it will fall.

The solution to a problem changes
the nature of the problem.

Inside every large problem
is a small problem struggling to get out.

A good plan today is better
than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.

If God intended men to smoke,
He would have set him on fire.

Drugs may be the road to nowhere,
but at least they're the scenic route.

Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Nice guys don't finish nice.

It's better to have a horrible ending
than to have horrors without end.

Never eat more than you can lift.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins
you can't imagine the smell.

It was such a lovely day I thought
it was a pity to get up.

I may have my faults, but being wrong
isn't one of them.

If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

I talk to myself because I like dealing
with a better class of people.

I have a new philosophy.
I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

The only reason people get lost in thought
is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Stop crime at its source!
Support Planned Parenthood.

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

There's no point in being grownup
if you can't be childish sometimes.

You've been leading a dog's life.
Stay off the furniture.

The whole purpose of your life is
to serve as a warning to others.

A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like
a quop without a fertsneet (sort of)

Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

I'm prepared for all emergencies.
But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

The new baby is like royalty,
he's the prince of wails.

He heard she was stuck up
and asked how much they got.

Ill-bred children are always
displaying their pest manners.

He had never seen the Catskill Mountains,
but had seen them kill mice.

The pants were very sad, they were depressed.

Her body was recovered,
she bought a new suit of clothes.

If a women changed her sex,
what would her religion be?
She would be a he-then.

When asked if he had missed school lately,
the boy said `Not a bit.`

The former ruler of Russia and his wife
were called Tsar and Tsarina,
so clearly their children were
called Tsardines.

Students may like nitrates,
they're cheaper than day rates.

New with a K in front is a Canoe.

He thought the formula for water was
H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O,
H-to-O.

Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Support bacteria,
it's the only culture some people have.

Don't let people drive you crazy
when you know it's in walking distance.

When does summertime come to Minnesota you
ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for
everyone, but they've always worked for me.

I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.

If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be careful, give me a call.

Had this been an actual emergency,
we would have fled in terror and
you wouldn't have been notified.

According to my best recollection,
I don't remember.

Get forgiveness now -
tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous
to your health.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

Do what comes naturally now.
Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Honk if you like peace and quiet.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Fine day to throw a party.
Throw him as far as you can.

Keep grandma off the streets.
Legalize bingo.

Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public schools

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy;
Other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.....
Not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car....

Montana --- At least our cows are sane!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain
to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honour student
but you're still an IDIOT!

It's as BAD as you think,
and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed,
get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

Okay, who stopped the payment
on my reality cheque?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals,
why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher;
Unfortunately it kills all its students!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Reality?
That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

Forget about World Peace.....
Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are
closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone
will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique,
just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekasion

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile.
You Will Be Assimilated.

Be nice to your kids.
They'll choose your nursing home.

3 kinds of people:
those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'
...till you can find a rock.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you
working with subatomic particles.

Who are you to question why your God
doesn't want me to believe in Him?

He's YOUR God; they are YOUR rules;
YOU burn in Hell

My mind is not for sale or rent
to any god or government

A woman's place is in the House... and Senate

Down with Susquepedalianism

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

All generalizations are false.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -
use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

We have enough youth,
how about a fountain of Smart?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas,
taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from
happening at once.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes,
they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

Caution: I drive like you do.

I want to be just like Barbie, the bitch has everything.

CAUTION: Can go from 0 to Bitch in 1.5 seconds!

Don't tailgate: I might just decide to STOP!

I think, therefore I worry!

I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learners permit.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

5 days a week my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST!
We'll strip mine the other planets later.

If you can read this,
I can hit my brakes and sue you.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government!
Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect.

"Bother," said Pooh as he found a politician in his honey.

Rings of Saturn are made of lost airline luggage.

The Earth is 98% full.
Please delete anyone you can.

He who laughs last is generally slow.

Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up enviromentalists.

Clones are people two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Santa's elves are just a bunch
of subordinate Clauses.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Help stamp out and eradicate
superfluous redundancy.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

NEXT